12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
