so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
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Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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