So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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