ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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