did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
