do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
where are my eyebrows?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
