That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
