First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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