The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
