Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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