I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
