Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
