Plan B is the new Plan A
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
