All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
