hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
