i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
