there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
