I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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