I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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