I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
