omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
