i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
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