you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
