Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
