maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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