Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
