the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
We have started to decorate penises.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
