He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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