I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i barfeds in our rink
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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