My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
