I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
