today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
