We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
