theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
