I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
