Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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