ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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