the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
