I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
