No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
This baby is an asshole
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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