Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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