I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
