Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
