Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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