Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
