I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
