dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My penis needs a shock collar
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Randomize
