Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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