i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
