If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
