were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
