Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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