Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
