We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
