On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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