wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
