and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
she woke up with a sticky ear
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
