My hair reeks of homosexuality.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
