dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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